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Some pages from my journals

This was written sometime toward the end of 1999...

I have spent quite a lot of time recently with doctors.
Consequently, I am evolving in how I feel about this whole
doctor/patient relationship thing.

Doctors are totally focused on saving my life. "KILL
THE CANCER!!!" they cry. "Destroy the host" (meaning my
uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes and ovaries) "and anything
close by that it may have spread to we need to cut out &
disect". I understand. "KILL THE CANCER" is their battle
cry.

A radical hysterectomy some preach. Be safe, get it all
out of there now. Others' weapon of choice is alien radiation.
Burn it up with mega doses of rays and implants. No matter
that everything around the tumor site burns up too. "You
don't need those anymore anyway. You would only have a few
more years before it happens naturally..."

Most of the women I speak with can't understand my aversion
to killing my reproductive organs. No more periods they
say. No more 'curse'. What a great thing. The ones who
have had hysterectomies tell me that it's the best thing
they have ever done. NO MORE PERIODS! ARE YOU CRAZY?

My friends and family only see CANCER = DEATH. That takes
center stage. Anything the doctors do to the rest of me
is of minor importance compared to DEATH.

And I do agree with them. I love my life. I love my family
and my friends. Most of all I love my husband. I do not
want to keep my uterus and ovaries and die in a year or
two of cancer. That would be pretty silly, when I have
this (almost) foolproof miracle cure of modern medicine.

My BIG problem is only that I do not believe that this is
going to kill me. I have never been afraid of the cancer.
It didn't come here to take my life but to make my life
more. More meaningful, more precious, more holy, more sacred.
To re-mind me who I am and whose. To re-mind me that I am
precious. To re-mind me of the power that God/Goddess gave me.
To help me grow into the best woman I was designed to be.
To heal my wounds and my wounded relationships. To forgive.

And it has helped me to do that. I am loving me more.
I am learning to love my body, just the way it is; fat,
wrinkles, gray hairs and all.

It has also helped others to realize what is important and
forced them to make an effort to heal their relationships.
My dad says he is coming here for Christmas Eve, before he
goes to Andrea's (my half sister) for Christmas. He and
I have a lot of work to do on our relationship. I have
forgiving to do. He and I both need to heal. I have written
a letter to Shane. I have healing to do with him and with
Shawn.

I am not afraid of death. It is a natural part of life.
I am healthy and strong. Beyond that, it is so very hard
to do what everyone else is so sure of because I am not
afraid of cancer causing my death. It is not my time yet.
I believe I would know if this were to be the end of this life.
I have no fear of this cancer. It is to heal me, not kill me.

On the other hand, I have great fear of the treatment of
this cancer. It is a killer. As great a killer as cancer.
Why does no one else fear the 'treatment'?

What to do? There is part of me that is so ready to just
say no. That is enough. No more. What keeps me from saying
that is others' fear for me. Do I have the courage to stand up
for my beliefs against all the fear of the ones who love
me? And what if I am wrong? That is the bottom line...what if
I am wrong? If I am wrong I die. And how do I deal with the
pain I have then caused the ones who love me? What do I
tell them...I am sorry I caused you such grief. I could
have been cured by the medical profession but I had to do
it my way and ah, geez, I made a mistake, so sorry. This
is no small thing. It is what made me do radiation in the
first place. I still was not afraid of cancer killing me
after almost bleeding to death...is that no fear or denial?
It feels like no fear. But maybe it was my body's way of
making me get 'treatment'. The Creator certainly knew what
that trip to the hospital could lead to. Was it His way of
getting me treatment? Or was He giving me another chance to
reclaim my power? Or what? What does it all mean? I don't
have a clue....I feel like I am running blind....

2/23/00

I was thinking this morning as I drove home about the
trouble this country is in. Our mothers have to go
outside the home to work, so that we can afford to eat.
This is not because our fathers cannot earn enough to
support us, but because we are taxed about 50% of all we
earn. Our children are abandoned at birth, practically,
to day cares, and sitters, and TV. They are programed
day and night with more horror than any 50 of them would
see in a lifetime without TV, and they will usually get
that in one two hour movie. They come home to empty homes
and are forced to take care of themselves for hours.
Their games are more violence, computer games where they
get to do the killing themselves. They have no support,
no mom to cuddle them and kiss their hurts. In essence,
no parents.

They go to state and federally supported schools where
they are forced to sit in class and learn facts and
figures that have nothing to do with their lives, and all
their creativity is trained and ridiculed out of them.
They are taught from pre-kindergarten on not to think for
themselves, not to feel, not to create and not to pay
attention to their intuition. Their rights are violated
daily by police and teachers searching their personal
belongings. They are now considered criminals and searched
without due cause regularly. On the one hand they are forced
to take care of themselves after school while their mothers
are, in their liberation, working for a living. On the
other hand they are treated like stupid cattle and made
to conform to some pretty screwed up rules and regulations.
Is it any wonder they are angry? Is it any wonder that
when they have a problem at school that they grab a gun?
It is what they are programed to do from the time they are
old enough to sit up and watch TV! Then we throw them in
jail and can't understand where we went wrong. Or what
is wrong with today's youth. The kids in middle school
now have been abandoned to the television programers
influence for about, what? 10 to 13 years now!!! At a
conservative estimate of 30 hours a week that is 15,600
hours in 10 years!! We wonder why they are angry? We
wonder why Columbine happens? I wonder why more kids
don't strike out! We are the ones who are crazy here.

Then, when we have these children who do these terrible
things, we, in all our wisdom, prosecute them as if they
are adults. Do we really think that putting them in prison
will help them? Or anyone else, for that matter? Do we
really care about helping them? Or do we just desire them
to disappear and someone else to take care of the problem
for us?

It looks like, to me, that we want someone else to take
care of all our problems. We want medicare and medicaid
to take care of our parents, welfare to take care of our
brothers and sisters, homeless shelters to take care of
them when they are really down and out, the police to
protect us from those who think that they should just be
able to take what they need and want, and big brother to
steal the money out of our pockets to do it all for us.
We justify our hardheartedness by whining "well, we pay
our taxes". We are so afraid of each other that when we
see homeless people on the streets of our cities, we make
it a crime! Does anybody out there get this? We have made
it a crime now to not have a home to live in! No place
to sleep. No place to cook meals. No place to take a bath.
Not only do we not have compassion, not only do we rush by
them on the streets with our eyes averted, not only do
we not help these people...we put them in prison. We are,
supposedly, a Christian nation. Remember, "do unto others
as you would have them do unto you"? Does anybody out
there remember?

Now, I understand, we have put a quadrepalegic in jail
for smoking pot. Look folks, it's well known now that
marajuana helps people in pain manage that pain. We all
know that it kills brain cells and causes memory loss.
It irritates some people's hearts. But come on, it is
not worse for you than a good stiff drink and a cigarette.
It should not ever be illegal to do anything to your own
body. It should not be illegal to do anything that doesn't
hurt anyone else. And when someone has cancer or aids or
like this guy, is quadrapelegic, to put them in jail for
just trying to make it thru the day as best they can is
disgusting. What kind of sense does this make?

It is only about control here. The government is
outnumbered and the more folks they make criminals the
more control they have over us. And the more money they
steal out of our pockets. And speaking of money, now
you can not even carry cash on your person or they can
take it away from you and you will pay hell to get it
back, just in case it is drug money. It is just ridiculous
what some people have gone thru because they like to
deal in cash, not credit. We put scum in the White House,
we kill over a million babies a year, and from what I
saw on the news last night our scientists are using the
aborted babies brain stem cells to grow new organs to
prolong our own miserable lives. And it is criminal to
grow and smoke a weed. We are at war because of a weed.
Amazing. America? Land of the Free?

We have allowed most of our rights to be taken away. Now
they are trying to take our guns away (for our own good,
of course). We pay 50% of our money in taxes to people
who make laws to protect big businesses, special interest
groups, organizations with their own agendas, and line
their own pockets with it. We are mollified by the little
that is spent on helping a few. We are over taxed, over
indebted, over inflated, and over run with laws and
lawmakers whose biggest goal is to come up with another
law to keep us criminalized and under control. We are
all too afraid or too lazy to do anything about it. We
are bombarded with TV shows showing us what happens to
those who don't conform. We are afraid of our neighbor.
We have been programed for years to be that way. We see
every violent crime committed in the country and some
committed around the world. Every news broadcast is
about someone hurting, killing, mutilating someone else.
Most of what we call entertainment is just a close-up,
more graphic version of the news. Saturday nite prime
time TV is made up of cop shows...whatchagonna do when
they come for you? The message is plain...conform, obey,
or die.

I say get rid of the fear. Reverse the brainwashing.
Love your neighbor. Be compassionate. The biggest
percent of the population of the world is no different
than you...they love, they cry, they laugh, they are just
trying to do the best they can do to get thru the days...
whether they have more than you do or less, dress better
or worse, drive a Porsche or a 69 Buick, we are all the
same underneath. God loves us the same. We are all one,
doesn't matter if it's the guy on death row, or the
prostitute on the street or the drunk that ran over your
mother, we are all one...love is the only reality...the only
way to stop the violence is to love each other. And love can
not live with fear. I love you all.

9/30/00
I am constantly amazed at the lack of "common" sense these days. The girl who was suspended for having a Tweety bird keychain (key word here, chain) at school. It was 6" long and in the rule book it stated no chains allowed. What did they think the kid was going to do, beat someone to death with a keychain??? This was in Atlanta, Georgia.

And then there's the second grader suspended for taking a bee bee gun to school. It was not loaded. Course he took it because he was being teased and tormented. Let's see, the teachers can go totally overboard about an empty bee bee gun, but this little guy feels so unsafe at school that he needs to take a gun? What kind of crazy people are teaching our kids? Makes me wonder.

MADD

A lady called my house the other day asking for a donation to MADD. You know, the organization 'Mothers Against Drunk Driving'. I don't think she expected the reaction she got.

I can't think of anything more painful than to lose my child. It would be excruciating, no matter how it happened. It would make me angry and afraid. I would want to do anything in my power to make sure it never happened to anyone I loved again. I would be angry at God and everyone else for my loss. I would want someone to pay for my loss and my pain. How convenient if there were a drunk driver to make pay...and there are laws for that, if just the fact of having killed a child is not payment enough.

However, to assume that everyone who has a drink or two and drives is going to kill someone is ridiculous. To make all those people, who have not hurt anyone, criminals, on the off chance that they may run over someone, is only to take away the very freedom that this country was founded on.

I do not condone driving drunk. I would like to see everyone behave responsibly. At the same time I know that my idea of "responsibly" and yours are different. I also know that we cannot legislate safety for our children. Life is "dangerous". Part of life is death. We all are going to die. When it is time for me, you, our spouses, and yes, even our children, to die, there is nothing you can do to stop it from happening. If you take all the alcohol away from all the people and put everyone in jail who ever thought about drinking and driving, it wouldn't stop it. It is the choice of the person doing the transition. Rest in the facts that God is still in heaven and they are in a better place.

I have children I love very much. Losing one would be awful. However, death is a fact of life. Our bodies will all die. It is sad for the ones left when anyone, especially a child, leaves us. It is sad whether it is caused by cancer, or drowning, or bullets, or a car accident. It is convenient for the grieving parents to have a target (besides God) for their hate and anger. I believe we all have a time to die and that, on some level of our being, WE choose the time and place not a drunk driver, or anyone else. If it weren't a drunk driver it would be some other way. When it's time it is time. And to take away the rights of all other Americans because of some that are irresponsible is ludicrous. To take away the right to bear arms because some use them for crime, to take away the right to have a drink and drive home, to take away the right to do anything before a crime has been committed is to take away the very freedom the men and women who fought and died for this country fought and died for!! We cannot legislate safety. Do we really think we can? We have become so afraid of what hasn't happened that we try to make laws to keep it from happening. Does this really make sense? Where is our faith? Have we become a country of old ladies and sissies hiding behind politicians and their army of police? Do we really think the politicians will take care of us? Are we all crazy??? Our forefathers died for the very freedoms we are legislating away!! Wake up america! Keep our freedoms. Keep our rights. Have faith in the goodness of God/Goddess and know that just because we don't understand the plan, doesn't mean that there isn't one. Our children are safe, whether on this plane or another.

Are we Crazy?

The other day there was an article in the paper about a family in New Mexico. Their little girl has a medical problem that the doctor gods haven't been able to figure out now for about 3 years...she is twice the "normal" height of a three year old, and 150 pounds or thereabouts. The parents have taken her to doctor after doctor and she just keeps getting bigger. You know, the state came in and took that baby away from her parents?!! Is that not ridiculous? They didn't charge the parents, because they hadn't done anything wrong; the child wasn't abused or neglected in any way. She is just big...very BIG. They said she would be better off in the custody of the state. INSTEAD OF HER OWN PARENTS!!!!!!!!??????? I know, shouting isn't polite, but some things are just too outrageous. That poor baby. Those poor parents. What a horrible thing to have to deal with. When the state has the right to steal your children we are in a sad state of affairs.

And speaking of stealing children, did you hear about the family whose five kids were stolen by DFACS because the mom wasn't a good housekeeper? Oh, yeah, the house was dirty, well filthy is probably a better word for it - and the state came and took the kids. Charged the parents with 5 counts of cruelty to children. Since when is dirty a crime? Being a bad housekeeper a federal offense? SOMETHING TO LOSE YOUR KIDS OVER? Are we crazy? What country are we living in? At one time I thought we were in America, you know, land of the free and home of the brave. NOT. We are in Socialist U.S. Where the free are not allowed to exist and the brave are persecuted until dead. Go figure.

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